New Game: Ridiculous Fundamentalist Apostate Scripture Interpretation

Our objective in this game is to become what Joseph Smith called “accusers of the brethren.” We are going to apply fundamentalist logic to scripture so that we can formulate accusations against God’s ordained servants.

If you don’t have any background in logic, I’ll make this simple for you. After each of these scriptures, I am going to say the word because. Following the word because, I’m going to state some really ridiculous fundamentalist logic that will guide how I interpret the scripture. The end result will be an accusation against a prophet.

Quick warning: this exercise might make you nauseous. You might feel disoriented, and by the end of this you might feel like your IQ has dropped about 30 points. People who have spent time in fundamentalist apostate groups are used to these sensations, but for the rest of you, it might be a new experience.

Example 1, Acts 1:26

And they gave forth their lots; and the lot fell upon Matthias; and he was numbered with the eleven apostles.

Because 1) the written word has given us the casting of lots as the process for choosing apostles and 2) God is the same yesterday today and forever, and 3) President Nelson is not casting lots to choose new apostles, we can see that President Nelson is in violation of scripture in his choosing of apostles. This means he is not guiding the church according to God’s will.

Example 2, Matthew 6:9-13

After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

Because 1) the written word has given us the exact wording that we should use when we pray and 2) God is the same yesterday today and forever, and 3) President Nelson teaches patterns of prayer that are not the same as the one given to us in scripture, we can see that President Nelson is in violation of scripture in his teaching of prayer. This means he is not guiding the church according to God’s will.

Example 3, Mosiah 18:13-14

And when he had said these words, the Spirit of the Lord was upon him, and he said: Helam, I baptize thee, having authority from the Almighty God, as a testimony that ye have entered into a covenant to serve him until you are dead as to the mortal body; and may the Spirit of the Lord be poured out upon you; and may he grant unto you eternal life, through the redemption of Christ, whom he has prepared from the foundation of the world.

And after Alma had said these words, both Alma and Helam were buried in the water; and they arose and came forth out of the water rejoicing, being filled with the Spirit.

Because 1) the written word shows us that when someone is under the influence of the spirit they will perform baptisms by having both people go underwater at the same time, and 2) that is not how we have been taught to perform baptisms in the church, it is clear that we have been misled by false teachers since the beginning of the restoration.

Example 4, 2 Timothy 3:16

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness…

Because 1) the Song of Solomon is in our scriptures, and 2) we don’t view it as inspired or useful, our approach to scripture in the church is in violation of 2 Timothy 3:16, and church leaders are to blame for our rejection of scripture.

Example 5, D&C 60:15

And shake off the dust of thy feet against those who receive thee not, not in their presence, lest thou provoke them, but in secret; and wash thy feet, as a testimony against them in the day of judgment.

Because 1) we are not taught to shake off the dust of our feet against the people we are assigned to minister to when they decline our visits, and 2) that procedure is required by scripture, it’s clear that church leadership are in violation of the written word in their guidance on ministering.

Example 6, Jeremiah 4:6

Set up the standard toward Zion: retire, stay not: for I will bring evil from the north, and a great destruction.

Because 1) when Jeremiah issued this prophecy he was not thinking of ancient Israel but rather his intended audience was church members in the United States in 2024 (because of course we are the center of the universe), President Nelson is derelict in his office because he is not warning church members about an impending invasion by Canada. If he were a true prophet he would either be telling us to arm ourselves, or he would be telling us to learn Rush songs so we can pacify the invading Canadian army by speaking a shared language of Rush lyrics.

Okay, hopefully you saw in each of these examples that following the word because, I made some really stupid decisions about whether and how scriptures apply, how terms are defined, and who the intended audience was for the verses. That’s all part of the process of interpreting scripture.

And hopefully you can see that when our assumptions are really stupid, our conclusions turn out to be really stupid. And we end up being accusers of the brethren. This is the basis for fundamentalist apostasy.

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